Promise To A Lady
by Mad Childe Dru
Summary: Events following the season 5 finale, from Spike's POV. (Won a Watching You Award for Best Angst Fanfiction)


Promise To A Lady

  


One more unfortunate,  
Weary of breath,  
Rashly importunate,  
Gone to her death!  
  
Take her up tenderly,  
Lift her with care!  
Fashioned so slenderly-  
Young, and so fair!  
  
Look at her garments  
Clinging like cerements,  
Whilst they wave constantly  
Drips from her clothing;  
Take her up instantly,  
Loving, not loathing!  
  
Touch her not scornfully!  
Think of her mournfully  
Gently and humanly-  
Not of the stains of her  
All that remains of her  
Now is pure womanly.

  
  
The icy breeze is rippling through her dark hair as I hold her trembling figure closer to me. It seems fitting that on the day we bury her the sun won't shine. If her light was put out, why should anything burn brightly?  
  
Dawn's clinging to me, letting only silent tears run down her soft, pale cheeks. We need each other now. I am her air... she is my blood. Alone, we wouldn't be able to exist... not anymore.  
  
Watching her lay in that casket, unmoving... so pale, so cold... had been the hardest thing I'd done in all my time on this horrible, unfeeling world. Harder than walking away from Cecily... harder than going to her for help with Angelus... harder even, than seeing Joyce's tombstone. I had never thought that would be topped.  
  
I can't cry now. I've tried... tried so bloody hard to feel something. But I can't. There's nothing left in me anymore... it was all her... and now she's gone. And I'm alone.  
  


Make no deep scrutiny  
Into her mutiny,  
Rash and undutiful;  
Past all dishonor,  
Death has left on her  
Only the beautiful.  
  
Still, for all slips of hers,  
One of Eve's family,  
Wipe those poor lips of hers  
Oozing so clammily.  
  
Loop up her tresses  
Escaped from the comb-  
Her fair auburn tresses-  
Whilst wonderments guesses  
Where was her home?  
  
Who was her father?  
Who was her mother?  
Had she a sister?  
Had she a brother?  
Or was there a dearer one  
Still, and a nearer one  
Yet, than all other?

  
  
I glance down at the nibblet again. Maybe not completely alone. But I've no one to look to. She needs my strength now. It wouldn't be right to ask for anything in return. Not after I've failed her like this.  
  
It didn't seem real at first- Buffy being dead. It's sure sinking in fast. Every inch they lower that coffin, it slams into me ten times over. Everything that's happening right now is on me. If I had been faster, smarter, stronger, more prepared... If I had been something other than what I am... would I... could I have stopped Doc? If we hadn't wasted time... gotten little bit out of here sooner... would Buffy still be here?  
  
Ever question I ask is returned with a stony silence. I'll never have the answers to those questions. That silence will torment me for eternity. Or at least for however long Dawn lives... I'm here for her... when she's gone, there's nothing left for me.  
  


Alas! for the rarity  
Of Christian charity  
Under the sun!  
O! it was pitiful!  
Near a whole city full,  
Home, she had none.  
  
Sisterly, brotherly,  
Fatherly, motherly  
Feelings had changed-  
Love, by harsh evidence,  
Thrown from its eminence;  
Even God's providence  
Seeming estranged.  
  
Where the lamps quiver  
So far in the river,  
With many a light  
From window and casement,  
From garret to basement,  
She stood, with amazement,  
Houseless by night.  
  
The bleak wind of March  
Made her tremble and shiver;  
But not the dark arch,  
Or the black flowing river;  
Mad from life's history,  
Glad to death's mystery  
Swift to be hurled-  
Anywhere, anywhere  
Out of the world!

  
  
They're tossing the first of the dirt on her now. Red's crying and clinging to the whelp. Funny how things work out... A year ago I would've whooped for joy when the first of the earth hit the slayer. Now I can only stare. My senses are completely shut down. It's like I'm watching a picture.  
  
Dawn is so still... almost as unmoving as big sis. She understands. She knows that pain. She knows it more than even I do. Watching her only link to us plummet towards her death... all for her. I'm surprised Dawn hasn't bloody jumped herself.  
  
But that's what I'm here for. I'm there to catch her. I couldn't before... but I will now. There won't be another Summers put into this earth again for a long bleedin' time now. Not while I'm here. Now I'm that link. I just pray to whatever God will listen that I'm strong enough to keep going. I know I will be. Not for myself... I have nothing... nothing but that memory... and it's bite-sized shadow. That's what I live for now.  
  


In she plunged boldly-  
No matter how coldly  
The rough river ran-  
Over the brink of it!  
Picture it- think of it!  
Dissolute man!  
Lave in it, drink of it,  
Then if you can!  
  
Take her up tenderly-  
Lift her with care!  
Fashioned so slenderly-  
Young, and so fair!  
  
Ere her limbs, frigidly,  
Stiffen to rigidly,  
Decently, kindly,  
Smoothe and compose them;  
And her eyes, close them,  
Staring so blindly!  
  
Dreadfully staring  
Through muddy impurity,  
As when, with the daring  
Last look of despairing,  
Fixed on futurity.

  
  
They've finally finished covering her. At least I was there. I had my chance to say good-bye. It wouldn't have seemed real unless I saw it. It still isn't real to Dawn. I almost wish it would stay that way. It's easier to pretend she's just out of town, or at the store- back any minute now... than to watch the others walk away, knowing she won't be coming back.  
  
We're alone now. Somewhere in the haze, they left us alone to grieve. Funny how acceptance should come with the death of the one person you want to accept you. Well, she wasn't the only one. But then again, nibblet always accepted me.  
  
She's pulling away from me now, kneeling next to that fresh earth... tracing her fingers over the words on the headstone. It was Dawn what picked it out. Even slipped a small bag with a crucifix and some holy water into the coffin when she thought no one was looking. We all saw... just didn't have the heart to say anything.  
  
Sun's coming down now. Again, I'm thankful there wasn't a ray in the sky this morning. I've convinced myself I needed to be here only for Dawn... but I'm sure somewhere inside I know the truth. For now though, she needs to be anywhere but here.  
  
"Dawn?" My voice sounds weak. I'm not even sure if the word slipped from out of my mouth, but when she turns that tiny, tear-stained face to look at me I know.  
  
"It's gettin' a mite bit cold out, luv. We should head back."  
  
I hold out a hand to her which she accepts, but instead of standing she pulls me closer.  
  
"Just a few more minutes."  
  
I kneel beside her, and together we say good-bye to the lady who gave her life. Not for the world. Not for the greater good. But for the one little girl who meant more to her than living, dying, and everything else that happens between the moment your born and the moment your buried.  
  
And that one little girl clings to me again, and I know that I'll keep my promise to that lady.  
  


Perishing gloomily,  
Spurred by contumely,  
Cold in humanity,  
Burning insanity,  
Into her rest!  
Cross her hands humbly,  
As if praying dumbly,  
Over her breast!  
  
Owning her weakness,  
Her evil behavior,  
And leaving, with meekness,  
Her sins to her Saviour!

  
  
  


**END**


End file.
